I have always said that I have no regrets in life, because I see every negative experience as a lesson learnt. Until now.
I tried to be prepared during my pregnancy. Signed up for classes to learn about labor and beyond. I wanted to have natural birth, hopefully no epidural, and have the baby in my arms and nurse him right away. I did not want a c-section and thought I would not need one. So I skipped over chapters about it in the pregnancy books. Subconsciously, I think I thought not reading about it will prevent it from happening. How ignorant.
Perhaps it is the overwhelming amount of details that I need to get sorted out before the baby arrives. Or I was just being scared and avoiding it. But these are all just excuses for not being more prepared, for not taking at least a moment to scan through the information in the books, for not making a plan.
As I went into labor, I kept with my plan of no epidural and natural birth. As I see the nurse wiping blood off me from time to time and my hubby looking a bit white throughout the process, I could see the possibility of the surgery ahead. Even though I wanted a natural birth very much, because I want to experience all important milestones of womanhood, I would not put my baby in danger. When the doctor told me that his heart rate was going down every time I pushed, my concern is for his safety. So off to the OR we went.
After the surgery, the nurses showed me the baby. This is the moment where I have regret number one. I would have loved to have the baby on my chest and cuddled with him for at least a few minutes before they take him away to clean him up. I want to nurse him right away to begin our bond. But none of that happened because I was unprepared and did not give any instructions to the nurses or doctors. I only adored the baby from afar for a few moments, then I have to be sown back up, taken to recovery, checked out to be fine before moving to our private room.
It was at least a few hours before I got to hold the baby. And I really regret not getting time with him at the beginning. I even blamed his trouble with breastfeeding on my lack of a plan in case of a c-section. If he could be with me and nursed at the first moments after birth, he might have had an easier time at it or will naturally nurse better.
Huge regret because I cannot turn back time and add the missing bits back to the labor process. I will forever miss those first moments of having a slippery little baby on my chest and trying to find my nipple to nurse for comfort. He will have no memory of being close to mommy after entering this world.
Do you have any regrets about your pregnancy or labor process? Is there anything you hope to have happened differently?